15 November 2013

Boyfriendless By Choice

I'm single. And I'm okay with that. More than that, I'm happy.

I don't think I'm supposed to be.

I think I'm supposed to want a mister. I think I'm supposed to want someone next to me, cheering for me while at the same time needing my support.

I'm a single woman in her early thirties and I'm not actively looking for a boyfriend. No, I don't need you to tell me that's okay - I don't really care what you think. It's just that I realized I'm "supposed" to lament these Friday and Saturday nights alone. I'm "supposed" to have profiles on websites and be sorting through suitors. But I've just (and I mean moments before blogging from my phone) realized I'm not sure I want what I'm supposed to be chasing.

I'm not sure I want to date. I'm not sure I want to have a boyfriend. I'm not sure I can put myself out there and get to know someone who (statistically) will be disappointing. I don't know that I'm capable of loving someone. I put my eggs in that basket once and the bottom disintegrated. My eggs and eggshells ended up crushed and strewn all over the sidewalk.

I don't bemoan any of that - I ended up with a good friend. I became myself in a way that I couldn't have otherwise. Heartbreak made me a better person. And honestly, I'm glad it happened to me. Still, I've loved. I've lost. I've improved. Do I want to love again? Do I really need to?

My partnered friends are happy. I'm happy for my partnered friends. Sometimes I want to make dinner for someone. Sometimes I want to cuddle and watch a movie. These are things I (can) do as a non partnered person. I have these moments and am sated without knowing his family or their drama.
I can't think of anything I'm missing from a relationship. Ergo, I am less likely to pursue one.

There's a thing though. And the thing is, I love kids. I think single women feel a yearning when they see a couple on the street. I feel a yearning when I see babies or toddlers or hear parents talk to their elementary school kids about their day. I want to have kids. I'm not ruled by my biological clock - I'm totally okay with adopting. But I do want to have kids. And I feel like I should try to get them the "regular" way.

But that's going to involve a partner.

And I'm not sure I'm down with that.

2 comments:

  1. The good about this post, is that you have let the reader know that WE don't need someone to make us happy. WE are happiness and perhaps someone can enhance our happiness but WE clearly don't need them for it. As for children, there are so many children that would love to have a mommy like you dote on them and you would do a wonderful job. Ex..... Buy vitamins before they get little runny noses lol.

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  2. Men. Who needs them. Egh. Glad to see you're doing well. We should catch up sometime. -La'Trisha
    @FabAndFitBy30

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