15 November 2013

Boyfriendless By Choice

I'm single. And I'm okay with that. More than that, I'm happy.

I don't think I'm supposed to be.

I think I'm supposed to want a mister. I think I'm supposed to want someone next to me, cheering for me while at the same time needing my support.

I'm a single woman in her early thirties and I'm not actively looking for a boyfriend. No, I don't need you to tell me that's okay - I don't really care what you think. It's just that I realized I'm "supposed" to lament these Friday and Saturday nights alone. I'm "supposed" to have profiles on websites and be sorting through suitors. But I've just (and I mean moments before blogging from my phone) realized I'm not sure I want what I'm supposed to be chasing.

I'm not sure I want to date. I'm not sure I want to have a boyfriend. I'm not sure I can put myself out there and get to know someone who (statistically) will be disappointing. I don't know that I'm capable of loving someone. I put my eggs in that basket once and the bottom disintegrated. My eggs and eggshells ended up crushed and strewn all over the sidewalk.

I don't bemoan any of that - I ended up with a good friend. I became myself in a way that I couldn't have otherwise. Heartbreak made me a better person. And honestly, I'm glad it happened to me. Still, I've loved. I've lost. I've improved. Do I want to love again? Do I really need to?

My partnered friends are happy. I'm happy for my partnered friends. Sometimes I want to make dinner for someone. Sometimes I want to cuddle and watch a movie. These are things I (can) do as a non partnered person. I have these moments and am sated without knowing his family or their drama.
I can't think of anything I'm missing from a relationship. Ergo, I am less likely to pursue one.

There's a thing though. And the thing is, I love kids. I think single women feel a yearning when they see a couple on the street. I feel a yearning when I see babies or toddlers or hear parents talk to their elementary school kids about their day. I want to have kids. I'm not ruled by my biological clock - I'm totally okay with adopting. But I do want to have kids. And I feel like I should try to get them the "regular" way.

But that's going to involve a partner.

And I'm not sure I'm down with that.