22 December 2010

Separation Anxiety & Being The Change

After those two nights of raids at the beginning of November, I had come to expect there would be gradually less stuff in my apartment until XBFJ was all gone. It's not how I would have preferred to do things. We still had not sorted a lot of stuff and I was afraid I was going to be left with things that were not mine. I know the perception was that I had tons of stuff to my bohemian counterpart's bare necessities. But that not the case. The dude liked old things. He likes old clothes, vintage gadgets and tech tidbits. It's not that I thought he would leave his police scanner behind, but he did have a spare keyboard of mine dangerously close to a pile of his stuff. Now I suppose just taking things when I wasn't looking was a genius way to avoid debate. However, after two nights of "what did he take this time," it became a moot point. He didn't come back.

There were no raids Wednesday, Thursday or Friday. By the time I went to the Raiders game with Melissa, I was worried I was going to be stuck with the things he thought he didn't want. He said he would come over that weekend and get the rest of it. But when I called him Sunday night, he nonchalantly told me he was drinking, and would get his stuff some other time. I had had enough of playing second fiddle to the bottle. I was ready to move on with my projects and I didn't want him showing up at my apartment whenever he wanted. The point was to have a place that had no association with him. I could not get that while he was still able to pop over at his leisure. I told him I was coming to his job for key forfeiture.

8 November 2010
I had a busy morning, snagging stuff from Craigslist and debating colors at the hardware store. I visited XBFJ for his lunch break and suddenly he wanted to talk to me. It could have been just seeing me. I know seeing him was like getting a fix I didn't know I needed. It calmed me down, made me feel less alone. He wanted to talk and I wanted to listen. He said he was having a tough time. It had nothing to do with the break up; he said he actually felt better without me. (He could hold seminars teaching how to hurt feelings and crush souls. It's like a super power he wields effortlessly.) No, dumping me was (apparently) uplifting for him. He was having a tough time with his move. And I felt for him, really. I mean it was all his own doing, and if he had talked to me ahead of time I could have helped him. But remember, he was his own man, standing on his own two and making dumb decisions. As a result, he refused to forfeit the keys. I tried to insist. But he was having a really bad week and somehow I felt like a bully. He agreed not to come over when I wasn't home. I took him at his word and I was satisfied.

10 November 2010
Two days later, XBFJ walked me home from work and came over to pack the rest of his stuff under my supervision. It was cute, he actually thought I was going to be what he called "helpful Danie," and pack and label as I would have, had he still been my BF. I watched him. I stood by his vehicle as he loaded and I tried not to be sad. I wanted it to be over, but I didn't want it to be happening. He was sad too, which made me feel better. He promised we would be friends and that it would get easier. And then he drove away. Upstairs, the apartment was as empty as it had been that first year when we had nothing. Everything seemed to cause an echo. It was a fresh place to start.

13 November 2010
I have to be the change I want to see in the world. In mid-November, I decided I wanted to see friendships form. The people I worked with in Vegas joined the ranks of my best and closest friends. Two years after moving and one year after changing shifts in San Francisco, I could not think of a single social outing amongst my current coworkers. So I made one. We went to the Mission Beach Cafe for Saturday brunch. Our party was large, the restaurant was packed and I should have had a banana beforehand. We stood outside for close to an hour, in typical San Francisco fashion. If you haven't been here, a lot of the best places are the smallest places. And as with Dottie's, Brenda's, Mama's and (to some degree) Tony's, there was no space to wait inside. That was okay, because the sun had come out and we enjoyed a rare, sunny morning in the city.

And then we enjoyed huge mimosas. Here you see my lavender infused french toast with bourbon syrup and side of brunch potatoes. It was promptly inhaled. Everything was delicious and everyone was pleased. I don't know if we got to know each other that much better, aside from not having elbow room but it got the ball rolling. I named myself social coordinator and promised we would have more gatherings in the future. Time may show us we don't even like each other. But we at least deserve to know.

Documentation, proving the hugeness of the mimosas.