25 September 2010

Heartbreak Is...

Heartbreak is feeling like someone died, but you're the only one who knows. It's feeling like you're incapable of ever being happy again. It's questioning every unkind word or action and wondering which was the final straw. It's watching other people go on and trying to emulate normal behavior.

Heartbreak is all encompassing. It's in every lyric of every song that's ever played or will be played. It's there in every couple holding hands or sharing a giggle. Heartbreak sets with the sun and slides in as suddenly as Bay Area fog.

Heartbreak is everywhere. It's in a glass of wine. It's in tortuous thoughts that promise happy days you'll never witness. It's in the e mails you sent and the possibilities that were presented. It's a suffocating, oppressive, steady reminder that you were happy once, until something went wrong. You can't make it right, you can't even name it. But you have to pretend to accept it, and hope one day you fool yourself.
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23 September 2010

Wedding Eve

22 July 2010

Getting married is work. And dumped or not, it's still not on my list of things to do. My dad was exhausted by the time we got to the hotel. And there was still a rehearsal to attend. We rehearsed until I just about had it, and then we 20+ people went to dinner. After that, there were vehicles that needing taking, clothes that needed sorting and arrangements that needed to be made. There was a lot of repeating of the plan (for clarity) and a lot of "where's the blah that was with the blah?" Madness I tell you. But everyone seemed to be having fun. So what do I know?

I don't know who's lecturing who in this conversation.

Bridesmaid gift bags.
There was a big tote and a smaller make up type bag.
Deva said she knew I like to have my name on things. Which is true.

Unloading.

Jesse took my picture as we unloaded at the hotel. I'm glad he did because this may be the happiest I was the entire trip. I had no worries. I was surrounded by family (old and new) and Jesse was there with me. I've been around his family for years. This was the first time he was close to my upbringing. It was happening. It was going well. I was happy.

That night I slept apologized to Jesse for being too tired to even consider showing him New York City at night. It was our only opportunity and I was too exhausted to take it. Apparently my dad was not. He took Jesse to Times Square. They were out for I-don't-know-how-long, doing I'm-not-allowed-to-know-what. I was tickled they had an adventure together. And even now - knowing those moments are gone - I can still smile.

Awkward Transition

It's difficult to tell a story when you don't want to get to the end. I've been unable to write about the rest of July. I can't genuinely recount all my happy experiences knowing they will be followed by such intense sadness. I've had a draft for what feels like a month. And this is all I have:

My math may be faulty, but I'm telling the stories here and I say there were five weeks in July. We're just finishing the third.

We went to another baseball game the Sunday after we went to San Jose. The five of us crammed onto a muni train and headed to AT&T Park for a Giants / Mets game. It was a beautiful day at a beautiful park. Peg & I watched Janna race up the ramp and disappear. By the time saw her again, she had already been around the park taking pictures and buying a hat. We had great seats in the sun and all was right in the world. And then it wasn't.

Everything was very wrong.

It's not my story and I'm not going to tell it. But it was traumatizing. And in my heart I know it contributed to my current "ex" status. It shouldn't have, but it did. Everything happens for a reason right?

Activities after the game were suspended, not that we had anything planned besides a bar stop. We left the game. Peg left for home the next morning. Gary & Janna left the vacation rental and came to our place for an extra day to relax. Jesse came home early and the trio spent the day together. Gary & Janna hit the road the next morning (Tuesday, 20 July) and Jesse and I had two days to prepare for our next familial obligation. I think he was

That's it. I've sat at this computer dozens of times with the intent to transition into my dad's wedding and I haven't been able to do it. I keep replaying the days, trying to decide exactly when Jesse decided to dump me. It's clouding everything. And that's a shame really, because without the ending, the story is really good.

22 July 2010
We started with a full day in New York, courtesy of a red eye flight. It was nice to be east, and to show the northeast to Jesse, who had never been. Ty was happy to see Jesse and I got to meet my youngest brother (Jordan) for the first time. In case you're wondering, I found him to be friendly, although (as you can see) he did not know what to make of me.

I talked to my dad while he drove, which is kind of what we do. Jordan, Ty & Jesse slept in the back, which is what they do. I saw my dad's new place (which is technically my stepmom's old place) and Jesse & I made breakfast for all. I gave my dad & Ty picture books from when Ty & Derek came to visit. Ty accused me of taking pictures behind his back. As I took pictures of my dad looking at the (other) pictures I had taken, I tried to explain the importance of documentation. Ty did not care.

Asleep.

Breakfast. "Danie you don't have to take pictures of everyTHING."

"Oh this is nice."

My dad (as I guess most grooms do) had a lot to do on that day before the wedding. I don't know what it all entailed, because I did my best to sleep through it. I don't know if you've ever slept with a baby on your chest, but it's the easiest way to make sure you sleep with one eye open. Every time I moved, I checked to see if I were squishing him. Every time he moved, I checked to make sure his breathing wasn't obstructed. I didn't want him to be cold, so (even though it was July) I covered him with a blanket. And then I uncovered him periodically to prevent any kind of heat rash. If I were to ever be a mom, I'd be that mom. You know, the one who keeps her kid in a bubble. I have a strong urge to protect. And I won't apologize for it.

Bottom line: Jordan survived the nap. Afterward, I was exhausted. And then we headed to the city.