27 August 2010

Taking Aim

I've spent too much time over the last week standing in a corner, facing the room and asking "what now?"

I like corners. They're the best place to stand if you want to be sure of what's behind you - without having to look. Typically, when I have a large mess to clean, I start in a corner and work my way out. I can then monitor my progress with a glance. So last week, once I finished my finals, accepted the BU and told the world, I headed to a corner for direction.

I tried my usual technique of goal setting and schedule making. But it didn't work. I just did not know where to begin in the mess that had suddenly become my life. Was it most important to respond to everyone who sent consoling messages? Was it best to start separating our things? Should I post stories and pictures of my last days as half of a unit? Should I go to the gym and beat the grief out of my body? Should I just relax before the fall trimester? Should I be worried about Jesse? Should I be bitter?

I ended up doing a very little bit of all of the above. I quickly realized replying to people was depressing, so I paused on that. I separated pens(?), DVDs, CDs and medical files. I started looking at apartments, even though it's going to be months before we can afford to move. I started writing about July, but found the stories coming out of order. I exercised at home and at the gym, but my performance was weak. I tried to sit and do nothing, but that just got me to thinking, which I'm tired of doing. I tried encouraging Jesse to talk to people (I know he's just alone with his thoughts) but he resisted. And it's no longer my place to push him to do what's best. I got bitter too, seriously thinking of all the ways I could live my life and never again feel this way.

Basically, I've accomplished nothing.

If this inactivity were to continue, I think I might implode. Fortunately, it will not. I'm going to apply what I call the "Thailand Strategy," where I busy myself to the point of exhaustion. There will be cleaning. There will be writing. There will be reading, exercising and money saving. There will be baking - because it's back to being cold here. And there will be civility. My future is not at all what I thought it was going to be, personally or professionally. I now have no idea what's coming. But I'm hereby officially focused on making it at least remotely interesting.