12 January 2009

Standing Still To See Where I'm Going

I accomplished nothing this weekend, and I really think that was exactly what I needed. Typically I cram as much as possible into both weekdays and Saturdays. The end result is that I'm usually exhausted by bed time and have no desire for anything fun. I save the fun for Sundays, when I'm usually just lazy. Or for Saturdays, when Jesse pushes me to do something I end up really enjoying. Clearly I'm a mess.
 
Jesse left this weekend. He had to make an emergency trip back to the Midwest and we don't know when he'll be back. I planned to busy myself to the point of exhaustion with the hopes of barely noticing his absence when I went to sleep. Instead I put forth little effort and was therefore able to stay up late. I could have taken fulfilling steps toward accomplishing any of our goals. But I didn't know where to begin. I was paralyzed by the possibilities.
 
We're planning to do a lot of camping and hiking this year. REI is having a clearance sale and I could have picked up a few needed supplies. I chose not to though, because the rest of our camping stuff is in Vegas, and I want to use our storage space wisely, and because it seemed silly to buy camping supplies when we don't have furniture.
 
I could have gone to Ikea, and searched for a number of household items we're missing. But for what I was willing to spend, I was not going to finish any area. So I decided not to try. We didn't have enough laundry, nothing needed major cleaning, and I am not excited about the next book on my reading list. So I turned to Hulu.
 
I watched TV all weekend. I saw the premieres of Monk & Psych. I watched an episode of House I missed earlier this season. I watched six episodes of The Office, and all the webisodes. I watched a Fantasy Series called Legend of the Seeker, mostly because it only had 8 episodes or so. No, I do not recommend it. I also watched most of the first season of The Riches, which I can now remove from the Netflix queue. I also caught up on my favorite cartoons, and watched part of the Ben 10 live-action movie. I didn't read, write, exercise, or really eat. I cleaned a little and made a very detailed goal list for this week. It was a very strange weekend for me. I did nothing. And I don't feel at all guilty. So unlike myself.
 
The result is I'm a little more clear headed. I realize we can't do it all, and to try will keep us from doing anything. If we spend the time and money outfitting ourselves for backpacking, and getting all the kitchen gadgets we want, and building a home (with paint and sophisticated window treatments), and focusing on fitness -- when will we actually be able to camp or cook or entertain or be as healthy as we want to be? On top of that, when will we be able to read or write or travel? I don't want to spend our youth preparing and not doing. Don't get me wrong, I can do nothing without preparing. But maybe we don't want to want to get a couch that would make it easier for us to watch TV when we could put that money toward a trip. Until we're sure, I'm not going to go too far in any direction. That's the best preparation I can do. And I'm okay with that.