19 October 2006

lmn.tv

You can't tell by my words, but I got my hair braided last weekend. You're bound to see a picture before I take it out. So here are the answers you want; it took 7.5 hours and cost $250 - including the fun hair.

I went to a lady's house and basically just sat there. I brought a book to read but that proved difficult to do as my head was being yanked at unnatural angles. I brought a bottle of water and my phone, but as Jesse can tell you, I did not make for pleasant conversation.

But I did learn something, and really isn't that what's makes life worth living? I learned that there is a channel that shows only Lifetime movies. You know, Lifetime, Television for women. That's right, I discovered LMN, The Lifetime Movie Network. Now bear with me if you knew this existed, for I surely had no idea. I've never been a fan of Lifetime movies and it's for the same reasons I don't like romantic comedy. I do not like predicting what's going to happen. I also don't like toned down responses to what are supposed to be real life situations.

But alas, as I was sitting in a stranger's kitchen, I had no control of the remote. What I had was time to see 4 movies. Here are their plots, in order of appearance.

  1. A woman plans to kill her abusive husband. He had been in jail but was paroled. As soon as he got out, he wanted to get his daughter and kill the wife, who he had blamed for ruining his life and stealing his house. The wife called an abuse line and told the counselor, who used clues from the conversation to find this woman. The husband someone gains control of the situation, even though he's outnumbered and they have, er, had, a gun.
  2. A girl gets raped. Her father finds the guy who did it. He's so upset he turns him over to the police and waits for due process. The guy is acquitted. The father learns he cannot appeal. The rapist begins stalking the girl. The dad kills the rapist and takes himself to jail. Later, during his sentencing, his daughter says she can not testify because what her dad did was wrong and he deserves to go to jail.
  3. A talk show host stops by her husband's mistress' house and kills her husband. The prosecution says it was premeditated. The defense says she snapped. We listen as a jury deliberates. It just so happens this jury is full of stereotypes, including a Hispanic male who thinks if the woman gets off with manslaughter, it'll send a message to all women that their husband's can't cheat. There's also a woman with short hair and pants who says the jurors could never understand what that woman went through, and that she obviously had no choice.
  4. An upper middle class woman driving her SUV in the rain dropped her purse while looking for cigarettes. She then hit a girl on a bike. Of course this socialite did not have a cell phone, so she had to drive to a gas station call the police. By the time she got back to the scene, it was being investigated as a hit and run. She drove through the police blockade and couldn't muster the voice to say anything. And then there is an investigation.

So. We have bad plot lines, bad writing, and commercials. It was awful. But like I said, I did learn something. Too bad I wish I didn't know it.